The Lifeguard of the World (America, Fuck Yeah!)

Currently in Melbourne, VIC, Australia

I was going to write about an incident that I had yesterday at the post office where the guy wasn't going to process a travelers' cheque for me without charging me $7. I argued, of course. But I got my way in the end, thanks to the helpdesk lady agreeing with me.

I sort of forgot all about that after watching Rove Live last night. I met up with some mates from Edinburgh (after walking past the Spiegeltent, yay!) and we went to the pub for $5 steak (which was surprisingly good!). We had a good catch up, and then went back to Ange's for ice cream and Ice Magic, yum. Rove happened to be on and we settled down to watch it, since The Hoff is in town and was one of Rove's guests. How could I miss an opportunity to see the
Hoffmeister live?

[If you are in NZ and you get the chance to watch Rove on Friday, DO IT, and then let me know what you thought.]

His entrance was completely ridiculous. It was all leather pants, leather jacket, double finger guns, strutting and a "Don't Hassle [Hassel?] the Hoff" t-shirt. Seriously. He is so American it's unbelievable. Rove was extremely excited (he's so cute).

They did the mandatory talk about the Hoff craze, the emails etc. Hoff said that he had tried to explain it all to his dad, who didn't understand (it soon became apparent that the Hoff doesn't really get it either). They showed a montage of Hoff pictures, some of which I hadn't seen before and were actually quite good.

They should have just shown Hoff pisstakes for 10 more minutes.

The next bit was about which show he loved the most, and he said that while the running along the beach paid much better, he was still "living Knight Rider". So sad.

They talked about how Baywatch is officially the most watched show in the world (Guinness Book of Records) - i.e. the number of people that have ever watched Baywatch is equal to the population of the world or something equally disturbing.

When asked what the appeal of the show was, Hasselhoff started waxing on about all sorts of random things, and then, unbelievably, said that America was, like, "the lifeguard of the world", man. And THAT is the reason people watched Baywatch, my friends. Because it was a metaphor for the world we live in.

He then proceeded to talk about a trip that he made to Iran, where he saw all these women with those "what are those things called again [putting one hand over his forehead and one under his eyes]?" Who apparently said "Baywatch, Baywatch" [in a horrible "Iranian" accent, with his hands still covering his face].

One of my friends had to get up and leave the room at this point. The train was completely off the rails by then, I was hooked. I couldn't stop watching, I was in awe that he was so aw(e)ful.

I am finding this quite difficult to relive in my mind as well, by the way.

Rove asked him about his music career. They showed a hilarious clip of him singing in a keyboard scarf and black leather jacket with flashing lights all over it. He was really popular in Germany apparently. He was asked to sing after the demolition of the Berlin Wall, and now he actually seems to think that he was instrumental in the reunion of East and West Germany. What a hero. There was also more racial faux pas here where he did a "German" accent,
which I think I have repressed already.

This led on quite seamlessly to his shameless plug of his upcoming "Hofficial" World Tour. Dear God. There was a website (it's on the Rove site, I won't link it here), which he told people to go to to register their interest in him coming to Australia. He really, really thinks that people like him. Enough to go and see him in concert. It's almost sad.

When I thought it couldn't get worse, Rove asked the Hoff what he was thinking while auditioning such "actresses" as Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra. Hoff said "I was looking for a restroom." And then, unbelievably, repeated "I was looking for a restroom." Then an obligatory "that'll get me in trouble with my wife".

All I have to say is "Eww."

I am traumatised.

He is everything that (Team) America stands for, in leather pants.